Starting over?

I'm one of those people who, every January 1st, I resolve to lose weight. Where has it gotten me? I'm now heavier than ever.

Sure, yeah, most diets I've put myself on, I'll lose weight--at least at first. I have this "thing"--totally psychosomatic--that as soon as people notice that I'm losing, I either get sick or there's something else that happens to push me off the plan. And, as most people have learned the hard way, once you fall off a plan, the weight comes back--fast--bringing even more of its lardy buddies with it.

So why would anyone freak out when someone notices that they're looking nicer? Wouldn't it motivate most people to keep on going or even double their efforts?

Yes--for most people, that's probably right.

However, my weight has other issues beneath it. I'd challenge anyone to look at an extremely obese woman (or man, for that matter) and not find some emotional stimulus at the root of it. In my talking to others and reading about the subject (which I've done plenty on), I've found that most women who have eating disorders (both not eating enough and compulsive overeating) have an abuse story in their backgrounds--eating becomes something that they actually have control over (when they have no control over anything else) or an escape.

I fall into that abuse category. Though I separated my life into four sections in my creative thesis, it really falls into two main categories--before the move and after the move. The move occurred when I was ten--my family was picked up from the Ozark foothills and transplanted to the Mississippi Gulf Coast. That was when the abuse began. Without getting too much into the details, it lasted for three years, until I began to get old enough that my abuser feared I'd "out" him. He continued to test the waters, so to speak, until I was 15 or 16, so I never really felt safe in my own home--unless I was totally alone. I was either on guard from my abuser or shoving the events down into myself, scared that if I told, everyone would hate me (because that's what I had been programmed to believe).

I didn't really have a problem with weight before the move. If anything, I was a tomboy--too short and too clutzy to actually be good at sports, but still I tried and had fun. After the abuse began, though, I spent most of my time eating, sleeping, reading, writing and daydreaming--anything to escape mentally if I couldn't escape physically.

That's when the weight problems began. Over the years, I've been on diet after diet but as soon as I felt stressed would go back to eating as a comfort--stuffing the feelings down with food like I'd trained myself.

I even did a short stint with anorexia (about a year). That lasted until I broke up with my first fiance (well, that and my hair started falling out in large clumps). Even exercising 2 hours a day and eating mainly salads, I gained back 30 pounds in a little over a month. It was so shocking, I just gave up--at least for a while.

It's been an uphill battle ever since--literally--the scale moves up every year. I'd love to find out someday if other women (and men) can trace their weight gains over the years as to breakups. Every time I have and end a major relationship, the scale moves up another few notches. So I've stopped having romantic relationships (actually, my shrink once told me that the weight was actually a "buffer" or protection from getting into another relationship--to keep from getting hurt).

It's crazy, though. In most other areas of my life, I've been successful. I'm in a Ph. D. program, happily trucking along. Anything school-wise I put my mind to, I've been successful at thusfar. So why is this weight still on me?

That's something that I'm going to be delving into. I've just started another program--the six week body makeover plan. Is it a gimmick? Possibly. I lost 6 pounds overnight last night (water weight, I'm sure).

I plan to post my successes (and trials, temptations and failures) as well as some of the methods I try out (like hypnotherapy, which I've been recently researching). Hopefully, I and others can look back on this journal and use it to better reach our goals.